Here's The Thing...

I'm not going to sugar coat this. I am suffering from severe pre-marathon anxiety disorder. I'm pretty sure it's a real thing. I actually researched it. I thought I had everything completely under control. I had a plan. I had it all laid out in my mind how it was all going to go down and I was feeling pretty calm about things.

Until Saturday.

I was just thinking about how smoothly things were going. I was thinking about how my runs were going great and I was surprised that I hadn't injured myself and I hadn't gotten sick. It was all bliss until I tried to lift a stupid bin of stuff into the back of my car.

I totally kinked my back to the point where I couldn't even stand up straight. That's when everything went downhill. I spent the rest of the weekend trying to decide whether to just jump off a cliff or try to salvage the little hope I had left that I could actually pull this thing off. It's interesting how the mind works. It seems like as soon as I begin to doubt myself everything seems to feel hopeless. The details of our trip started to get stressful, kids started getting sick (and still are)...

It is pretty safe to say that I have never worked harder towards a goal than I have in preparing for this marathon. I realize that's rather pathetic, but it's actually true. I am usually the one who works and works and then gives up at the end when I'm almost done because I'm afraid of failing. The feeling I had after I completed that 20 mile run a few weeks ago is something I could never adequately describe in words.

I'm used to hearing people say, "You are crazy," or "Good for you, but no thanks," or "Why would you do that to yourself." It doesn't offend me because those are all things I would have said to somebody a year ago if they told me they were going to do a marathon. It IS a little crazy. It's completely unnatural and frankly, a little nuts.

For me, there were three purposes for doing a marathon. First, I wanted to get in shape. I knew that if I set a goal to do a marathon and actually completed it, I would get into the best shape of my life. It forced me to stay on a strict schedule of running and nutrition and I knew that I had to stick with my training or I wouldn't meet my deadline. Second, I wanted to teach my kids that if you commit yourself to something that is important to you and dedicate the time and effort necessary to accomplish that goal, the rewards are great. And lastly, I wanted to prove to myself that I COULD accomplish something that I never thought I was capable of either physically or mentally.

I realize that I will not be setting any records. I will definitely not be bragging about my finishing time but I WILL finish and I will finish strong. If I have to crawl over that finish line, that's what I will do.

I went to the chiropractor yesterday and I'm feeling quite a bit better. I'll go again tomorrow and hope that does the trick. I haven't ran in almost a week and I sure hope that doesn't come back to bite me.

I'm looking forward to being there with so many people that I love. Besides some great friends, my dad, sisters, maybe a cousin or two and my awesome husband and kids will be there to see me finish. That will be the greatest thing ever. I am flattered and honored that they would all go out of their way to be there to support me. It means more than they know.

I am dedicating this race to my mom and this person. I know they would both love to be there.
Brenda requested that I run a mile or two for her. I'll be doing a lot more than that!

When people ask me why I run, I say because I CAN.